personality color test

took this test. most tests are bogus and result blanket statement results, and this one is no different, but it spoke to me. just happened to hit some nerves.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/2SG2RW/www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,5,3,1,4,2,7,0,6,4,1,5,3,4,2,7,0,6,7&p=full/

Your Existing Situation

“Is stubborn, demanding, and arrogant, works toward his own goals and purposes. Has little regard for others and is unwilling to compromise or negotiate.”

Your Stress Sources

“Needs to meet people who have the same high principals and values as himself, but finds the need unfulfilled. His need to feel dominate and superior leaves him feeling isolated and does not allow for him to give freely of himself. He would like to surrender and let go, but sees that as a weakness he must not give in to. Holding back will allow him to stand out for the crowd and earn a higher status, recognized by others as unique and important.”

Your Restrained Characteristics

“Demanding and picky in his relationships, but careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements and this may decrease his chances of achieving his goals and ideas.”

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

“Willing to become emotionally involved, but is demanding and picky when choosing a partner. Is careful not to bring out conflict or disagreements as this may decrease his chances of achieving his goals and ideas.”

Is bothered when his needs and desires are misunderstood and he feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. His self-centered attitude can cause him to be easily offended.

Current situations force him into compromise and placing his own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Your Desired Objective

“Needs peaceful surroundings. Looking for relief from stress, conflict, and arguments. Tries to control potentially harmful situations and arguments by treading lightly. Is sensitive, emotional, and has an eye for detail.”

Your Actual Problem

“Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other.”

Reality, Perfection, and the Subjugation of Death

I just read this essay by Philip K. Dick, an author near and dear to my heart.

Dick’s thoughts on the mind, the thought, the consciousness beyond the physical brain really touch me in some way. I always wonder at how God is someone who creates and maintains a universe and a heaven, just by thinking. there’s a way where the more you know, the more you should be constrained to following the right path, and that the more you know, the more grievous and tragic denying God is. the part where Dick talks about the final defeat of evil is eloquent. it’s sad that God has to condemn such a mighty being as the devil. the feeling God must have is, “my son, how could you let it come to this?” the devil’s knowledge is the most complete in the universe, other than God’s, yet he chose to go back on it… heart-wrenching to have your beloved child do that to you.

yet on the other side, Dick mentions here and elsewhere that God is working to make us more REAL. I think Dick thought that we were going to be made good as a creation slowly, in this world (though for him, time’s unreality may mean that life IS purgatory), a very evolutionary idea. I think of more how God will mend us back to reality. we lived in nearly complete reality before adam and eve fell, the best we could be a physical creation, and perhaps Dick’s idea of what we will be returned to. the amazing thing that I realized for the first time after reading this is that by choosing death, we fell, but God in his brilliance allowed his son to be killed, not really to merely conquer death, but to transmute it into a doorway that will take us to an even higher reality than even adam and eve experienced. I finally have an answer for “why God allows death.”

Societies||the Brand and the Death of Self

so I’m browsing here at 3:00 after watching children of men and listening to “in the court of the crimson king.” look over to the side, see this ad.

this is what disturbs me about the state of society so much. tell me, can you guess what NOTW means? Not of this World, baby. that’s right. you’re going to prove to everyone that you belong to the spiritual world, that the material considerations around you are only a small part of the overall reality which we humans can only dimly see till death. how? by buying clothing and getting tattoos that tell everyone.

disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

I’m in a constant struggle to not fall into the easy, prepackaged, mask-and-lip-service Christianity that seems to beset us in an age where every solution is bought. I never seem to get it right, and my best days are an embarrassing when I look back at them. I fail so hard to do the right things. I end up backstabbing, fleeing from personal connection, lying, entering shallow relationships and drowning in inactivity because I feel like if I give any of myself away I’ll be bled out and tossed aside, lost to this world’s consumption. I don’t want to be a product. I don’t want to fit the mold. I don’t want to be part of anything, because every group sells out in some way. I can’t stand it when people say I remind them of someone stereotypical, because it means I’ve failed to leave my mark on their life. “you’re just like so-and-so!” thanks a lot, here I thought I was a person, but I’m just an ill-copied memory to you.

people don’t want to be themselves a lot of the time, it seems. we all jump to the preconceived rolls that stand ready and waiting for us, so that we can rely on the same old tired lines, unafraid that something unexpected, something unique will happen. we want that brand to tell us how to think, how to behave, how to look, what to say next, what to love, what to hate, what to agree with, what to shun. now, even liking things others don’t like is a subculture – this is why I hate hipsters so much. it’s just one more scene, one too close to home for those who want to live their own lives. they attach these stereotypes to supposed originality that certainly doesn’t allow for actual exploration and interest – no, you have to find things that fit the criteria of yet another mask over the individual.

of course, nearly no one in this day and age of branded lifestyle wants to think about right and wrong beyond the talking points of whatever subculture and viewpoint you fall into. whenever I think I’m going to have an interesting conversation about whichever viewpoint with anyone, it seems to devolve into the same phrases I’ve seen on tv and read in papers or noted on websites. you’re rolling along in a discussion and suddenly a glaze comes over your companion as they spew out some tired mantra that flows their mouths about as smoothly as oil. it’s been polished by its incessant use till it slips through everyone’s mind effortlessly, and sometimes I wonder if people realize how alien these mantras seem as they corrode through the speaker’s person-hood. it doesn’t matter whether I agree with the position touted or not, it’s all propaganda, that shambling, headless monstrosity that destroys the mind and leaves a skull made of wax and clay.

please, don’t give in. be yourself. leave your rough edges. don’t cake your face with makeup. littering yourself with piercings and tattoos is the same thing as wearing a suit and tie every day, you’re just buying a different brand. your contempt for the corporate nature of america is skin deep, because you surround yourself with it in so many ways. your rebellion means nothing. my dad always calls it “rage against the machine… sponsored by pepsi.” alternatively, if you’ve bought into the allure of riches and want to be that guy in the suit, think about how you reinforce the division among the classes. there’s a place and time for opulence, but america is all party, all the time. you can be wealthy without the extravagance, and I’m not talking the fake charity espoused by the brangelinas and bonos of the world.

“you don’t know me! you don’t know what I’m going through! you don’t know what I’m really like on the inside!” maybe I do see what’s on the inside, and it’s inconsequential because you never let it out. you’ve picked the way you are on the outside, and if you expect people not to judge you on that, you’re an irresponsible fool, and you deserve what you’re getting. I deserve what I’m getting, too. I’d rather be judged for being off my rocker than being judged as just one more face in the crowd.

I honestly don’t know how you can escape from it. I’m just as guilty of buying into the working class branding as others are of the gangsta rap drivel, but honestly, the people who are the least branded are far more working class than me. the people who barely make enough to survive. I dunno. I think stuff owns you as much as you own it. how much of your stuff do you use and enjoy for real, and how much of it do you go through the motions with? do you need an ipod? do you need that new touch screen phone just to play games on and constantly ignore the people you’re with by texting? the new clothes at every notice, the cars, the instruments you never play, the games and systems that waste your life, the booze and food you shovel down, hell, even friendships and relationships of convenience, all shackles that hold you down. when was the last time you made your own entertainment instead of consuming it?

I know I’m crazy. I know you’re enjoying life and I’m not. you’re probably right that I should “just live” and have fun along with everyone else, but I just can’t blind myself to this all around us. I don’t think I want to be happy if it means buying in and selling out.

God, I want out, out, out, out, out. please do something to me. shatter my world so I have to step up to the plate. land me in the slums in india without a lifeline and force me to make my life into something. anything but this creeping death, the suburban strangle-hold on everything that used to be wild, the city’s pallor and wearying treadmills, the complacency and predictability of the human race. I know we all want to feel something real. I know we all want someone to reach out and really touch our lives. I know a lot of people I wish I had the courage to get closer to, but I just can’t get a hold of the fear that they’ll just drop me for the preprocessed, self-sustaining cancer of sameness and cohesion in society. I don’t want my faith in people dropped any lower. I want to believe you’re reading this and have already thrown your cookie cutter life away, that you’re two steps ahead of me and running into the sunlight, finally freeing yourself of your shackles.

please keep running. I believe we can change. I believe we can make it. I am perpetually crushed, but even more hopeful. I know you can make it.

Lifestyles||Choice

On monday I attended class and a lecture, watched the film “waking life”, ate cafeteria food, and rode the train. these events reminded me of an issue I have long sought to resolve within myself. what do I seek from reality? what drives me? it is not the “happiness” that most seek for, in material goods and relationships, though I do indeed desire them to some amount. I do not pine for notoriety, success, or power, though these could play a role in the pursuit of my desires. no, what I want is autonomy – the knowledge that I am me, that (outside of the divine order) I exist through my own being, uncontrolled by the things of this world, that I am not the sum of my circumstances, that I am a real person and not merely part of a predetermined system.

of course, there is no way to know this for sure about oneself; we may very well all be controlled in our every action by some unseen force. one can only believe that one has a singular existence. we see our personal identity only in choice – the choice to do something not because one must or should, but because one desires to. want, not need. of course, I wish to choose moral options, but regardless of morality, the desire to choose and to change reality is overwhelming. this is what makes the design field so attractive to me. though your initial conditions and the goal of the project may be set in some ways, design opens up a door to become more like our maker, the creator in whose image we ourselves are fashioned. while we cannot create new matter, we can arrange systems of materials that are radically more than the sum of their parts. a piece of cloth is not simply cotton an dye. at its simplest, one rock placed on top of another isn’t just two rocks, it’s become a stack. it may even be seen as art, that elusive beast whose tracks we often mark, but rarely catch. human actions can be like that on occasion – suddenly transcending into choice, being,  rather than mere reaction.

the difficulty is in seeing, feeling, and appreciating choice. how does one ensure his actions are largely free from the contamination of situational norms and borne out instead from the heart? how can you be certain that you are yourself? unfortunately, to me, sometimes it seems the answer is in isolation.remove everything you have that restricts you, good or bad. no possessions, no acquaintances – an impossible task to be sure, and a self-destructive one at that. you must then put yourself in further discomfort in order to test your fortitude. a fruitless task for someone who is always second guessing himself, for one can never be finished – there’s a nagging idea that there is still something to be removed. have I pared away enough? have I destroyed or removed enough of my surroundings that I may see what I am at my core? meanwhile, while you muse over the difference between figure and ground, you’ve removed the very situations where you would come to life, the places where you would truly make sense – you’re a curtain floating in outer space. your unique person-hood cannot be enacted, fulfilled, useful, realized. perfect, absolute individuality comes at the cost of functionality, for we are social beings whose one purpose comes in interaction. the hermit only exists in relation to the society which he departs from. without the rest of your species, you are a monster, a one-of-a-kind freak, the last of your kind, and soon to disappear. man exists in relation to mankind, a reference point against which he can be measured. in essence, the point here that while isolation aids in definition, that definition can only make sense in the context of other words.

context can be so difficult for those who seek self-definition. if identity can be found in unprompted choice, then a set of situations paradoxically removes choice just as it grants it. if a person wants you in their life, you are given the choice to share with them or not – but this choice only exists because they grant it to you. pursuing someone who does not have feelings for you is more of a purely made choice, but in the end your success rest on their acceptance, so your “choice” rests on their whims. this is unacceptable to the “isolated” man, but when an individual realizes that there is a symbiotic system when it comes to interpersonal relationships of any kind. just as others have a level of control over which choices you can make, you have a similar level of control over theirs. how smoothly could a partnered dance flow if each of the participants were forced to secretly choose their actions separately before the dance began, and were not allowed to adjust their paths to the other’s actions once it did? whether the dancers would crash into one another or drift apart, the dance would see no great measure of success. the tactical nature of interaction cannot be anything but a matrix of choices, dependent on the successive actions of each party, the flow of decisions; it is up to each actor how unorthodox the decisions made will be, and thus, how unorthodox the conditions will be for their partner’s next response. everyone is free to search for the unexpected, the fresh, the unique among the available options – one can even seek to forge new, unforeseen options at each turn within the framework of interaction.

however, people usually don’t look for the unorthodox options (and thus, creative and unique experiences), which may result in a perception of immutable fate due to our identity sequencing. the simplest way humans can understand anything is via comparisons, usually on a one-to-one basis. thus, when trying to understand one’s position, we usually see ME, MYSELF in one column and THEM, THE WORLD in the second. this is great as a time-saving simplifier for the brain, but it can create inaccurate understandings of the current condition. if you compare your level of importance to any other individual, assuming they’re not in a position of great power, your comparative levels of power over another’s choices is usually within an order of magnitude. but, you are one person, and when we compare the power of the individual to the power of the rest of humanity as a group, they are clearly more powerful. you may feel oppressed, powerless, in the grasp of others. it’s easy to forget that others are just as controlled by society as you are, you are rarely getting the short end of the stick as much as you think you are. of course, this is not to say that society doesn’t, as a mass, control the each of us to a high degree. this can foster a feeling of being sapped of one’s vitality, and I often feel like there’s no way to resist the crushing weight of the collective, like there’s no point in trying to maintain existence.  the only reactions to this feeling that I can come up with are

1:) accept that you are powerless, and just go with your fate, bad option, but probably harmless on the whole. lame.

2.) accept that you are  powerless, and end it all, since it doesn’t matter anyway. bad option.

3.) recognize that you are part of the matrix of control, and act as you see would be appropriate for your station in life. acceptable, but still lame.

4.) recognize that you are part of the matrix of control, and seek to gain as much freedom in your actions as possible, and pass that freedom over to others by trying to let them make their own choices, encouraging them to go for the unorthodox.

I am looking to expand my ability to make choices not because I want power over others, but because I want power over myself. too often it seems that I let others expectations of me govern my actions, whether they be virtuous or not. this is not to blame others for my actions, but I just feel so chained up by expectations that I can never truly feel that I have chosen myself. locked here in suburbia, even when you’re by yourself, your silence and sedentary life are enforced by the proximity of your endless field of neighbors. empty highways at night, country walks, journeys off the shore – all moments that free you from the oppressive heel of the society that grants me life, but holds me on a short leash.  I can’t help but feel that there’s some way to live with the blinders removed, with the lead untied, with the harnesses cut. I’m hoping I can find some sliver of freedom here in dystopia.

so, what do you expect me to do next?

Lifestyles||Wants and Haves

it’s easy to want things because they’re out of your reach. sometimes things you desire come near our grasp, so you strive harder than ever – you can’t let that opportunity slip away from you! you have to maximize your potential, take the risks, make all those trick shots. suddenly, you lose it all running towards something you don’t really want, or you get it and realize how little you cared in the first place.

there’s one major problem with the life of an external “winner,” here’s another – personal understanding. some people make the mistake of judging themselves only in relation to others’ accomplishments, skills, qualities, and attributes. that’s not very helpful by itself, but it gets even worse when you’re someone maxing out their supposed opportunities. everything you have, you don’t want, anything you can’t get means you’re worthless. I don’t have the wealth and women, the brains and brawn, the skills and strengths. I didn’t accomplish everything everyone else did. what I did do, what I do have, is meaningless; because I can accomplish it, it must be worth it. you drag yourself deeper and deeper. people who compliment you must be lying, those who rely on you are just using you, everyone is laughing behind your back. the few people who can convince you that they care are cloying, unbearably well meaning. you can only gain solace in proving your detractors wrong by pushing forwards, not allowing anyone to stop your rampaging obstinacy, you drive yourself further and further into isolation so your failures are less visible.  you seek to throw away both those who seek to encourage you and those who deride you. the only people you tolerate is the ones who you can hold back from who you are, the casual acquaintances. soon, they have to disappear because of how inconsequential they seem. who are you left with? yourself, failing yet again due to your solitude. it must be everyone else’s fault somehow, even though you know you put yourself there.

if you find yourself there, it is NOT ok. get out. drop your pride. let people be kind to you, no matter how it sears you inside. build and rebuild bridges; put out the fires, stop accomplishing for accomplishment’s sake. stop trying to hurt yourself and stop trying to get others to hurt you. you’re gaining nothing, you’re helping no one, you’re going nowhere. you don’t have to smile, but you do have to care. if you’re shunned, wait and keep trying. wait forever. you’re not condemned by your failed endeavors, but by your unattempted ones.

Architecture, Lifestlyes||The Norm (on townhouses and personal space)

I was speaking with a friend regarding living models – suburban, urban, country, etc. while discussing corb’s cartesian towers and other examples where life is brought off the ground, high into the air, fairly unrelated to the streets. this tends to be an unsuccessful residential model… why? my friend remarked “sometimes I think le corbusier was right, but that no one can admit it.” he was joking around, of course, but it points to something – there are solutions to problems that very well could be correct, but because we can’t accept them for some reason, they will never succeed; it’s not the solution’s fault, it’s the willingness that must accompany implementation. think of the hallway or the bedroom for the individual – they didn’t exist (in the way we understand it) until the enlightenment. this is because the living model was different, not because hallways and individual bedrooms are WRONG. regardless, they didn’t exist, because they were not suited to the mindsets and social conditions of the time/place.

this applies to entire building types as well as building elements. when urban areas are poorly maintained, gas is cheap, and property is abundant, the suburban model is immediately apparent as a desirable living condition, but as prices soar and the roads swell with congestion, people look back to the traditional urban mode. they tout the “sustainability” (a word that has no meaning) of living in a mass transit/foot traffic driven area, and about lofty ideals connected with “holding the street edge” or “high-density living.” it seems attractive, compared with the prospect of a three hour commute due to traffic. but we’ve seen that towers don’t work, so where shall we live in this urban landscape?

ah, yes, the townhouse. townhouses present a dense living solution that retains a human scale, definitely an attractive alternative to living in on the 7th floor in some tiny portion of a hulking apartment tower. yes, accessibility seems to be key here, but elevators and walkways can provide completely satisfactory connections. why, then, does the tower fail and the townhouse succeed? my buddy’s answer was light and air. ok, fine, but you plan these sorts of things into your tower arrangement.

my answer lies not in psychical or circulation needs, but in  the human desire for individuality and ownership. why do people like suburban housing? because it’s “my little spot.” my personal safe zone. as long as it doesn’t wake up the neighborhood (and sometimes even when it does), this is MY property, I do what I like. MY christmas lights, MY garden, MY basketball hoop on MY garage filled with MY stuff. a lot of people can’t even put their car in the garage, because it’s so filled with crap.

possession. control. thus, safety,  comfort, and autonomy. the townhouse shares these features. sure, it’s not surrounded on all sides by a yard, but it often has a plot out back. no garage, but your spot on the street. also, that’s YOUR little piece of sky above you. any of the housing models we like give us an easily identifiable location. most people wouldn’t mind living in the penthouse, but once again, you can point right to it. “I love on top of that building right there. apartment complexes don’t allow us that sense of location. sure, maybe you can point to your two or three windows out of the mass and say “that one’s mine,” but you don’t have the same feeling as when you stand on the sidewalk at your front door. even when  you share that townhouse with a few more renters, it’s still YOUR place. to live in a large complex is to always be a visitor. it’s hard to think of it as being “Home” when there’s a guy in the lobby who works there without your input or consent.

to me, this is why tall buildings are so undesirable and unworkable. “street life” develops in smaller scaled areas, because you can mingle on the street confidently, secure in your knowledge that your neighbors recognize your stoop and your little plot as part of your singular identity, and there’s respect for that. in a tower, even if your hallway was on the exterior with awesome light and plenty of ventilation, even if there were shops and businesses built onto your floor as though it was another street stacked on top of the one below it, anyone can walk past and run their hands along your door and wall – along with everyone elses’ on that floor. you are just one of many. you are not an individual, you are a component. the power of a townhouse is its wafer thin buffer zone, whether it is a stoop or the difference between your bay window and your front door. that is your almighty threshold that grants you safety and individuality.

to me, the super huge tower can work if four things are accomplished. 1.) proper zoning for light and air. 2.) a mixing of program types, so that there are things to do on your floor. (I’m going to write a whole separate blog concerning the  importance of activity in program one of these days.) 3.) sufficient vertical transportation so that people can feel like they access their personal space, not just in the manner of being able to “get out.” the feeling must be about accessibility, not escape. 4.) people must have buffer space and personal control over some matter of the facade expression of their unique location.

the alternative to four is that perceptions and social norms change – that people care less about having “my little area,” “my personal space.” houses are almost always underused. even in the small space of a townhouse, you’re only awake and using it for a third of the day, if that.  if we subdivide use out of those eight hours, how much do you need a full kitchen? most of the functions that make up our routines require a lot less space than we think. yeah, it’s great having a workshop full of tools, but you and your neighbor could easily share. I’m not saying I LOVE the idea of shared spaces, because sometimes I end up watching TV or strolling to the fridge in my underwear. the privacy of having loads of individual space is awesome, but that doesn’t make it right, just as it’s not necessarily wrong. our society’s understanding of spatial needs is malleable, though it tends to change a lot slower than our available resources and organizational needs.

I guess this all is important to me because sometimes we get the grand idea of the architect as a master puppeteer who can shape every sociological construct with a simple change in built environment. but while humans do like a modicum of innovation, surprise, or transformation, it’s only seasoning on a vast body of uniformity, stability, and familiarity.  the truth is we can help change things, but only slowly, and only a small amount. because buildings SHOULD last for a long time, due to the resources their construction devours, I believe it’s irresponsible to make some radical structure that no one can reasonably be expected to adjust to. yes, people can adjust to anything, yes, your solution may be awesome and fully functional, but how ready are people for it? it’s not a matter of CAN people change, but will they WANT to. we need to design with that in mind. can I make a better system that people will be initially shocked by, but soon won over? if they just dismiss it, all my work goes for naught, and a possibly solution has been wasted. it may even be discredited, further removing it from implementation. what ideas have we killed because we weren’t ready for them? when, if ever, will they return? that’s not a question I want to have my ideas fall to. we had better work to understand how people really function and what their motivations are before we try to change the world. think outside the box, but know what the box is, to start out with.

Architecture||Precedents and Memories

there’s always a lot of talk about precedents in our studies at NJIT, and I imagine there’s similar emphasis elsewhere. there are thousands of amazing buildings out there of every typology, size, and budget, showing us ingenious solutions to pretty much any problem a project could hold. so, we study precedents, we discuss them, we make presentations, on and on… and before you know it, people are discussing your new work in relation to these precedents. wait, what?

yes, precedents are important, but we’ve all felt how useless a review is where the crits can only compare it to other past buildings. “have you seen so-and-so’s xyz project? I think he resolved this issue a lot better there, and you should see how he uses generic technique and building element, it’s really interesting.” another crit chimes in. “sure, you could look at that project, but I really think what’s-his-face has a greater connection with his abc building in wherever.” they chat on and on about these big namers and historical figures and you suddenly realize you’re not being reviewed anymore; they’re just arguing about famous buildings. you don’t matter anymore. it happens with students, too. someone shows us their work and asks for our opinion, and all we get is “it looks like the something something building.” it’s as though people can’t see the ideas behind the project.

I’m not saying EVERY conversation is like this, but it happens a LOT. I really appreciate it when people manage to look at what’s actually going on in my building. a lot of non-famous buildings have great solutions too, all you have to do is look at them carefully and consider them as though they were big A architecture. we all have the ability to think critically, to observe and learn, I think we should be doing that more than learning names and dates.

this isn’t to say that precedents are BAD. it’s to say that people look at them in the wrong way. they notice a superficial similarity between our projects and a precedent, but it’s not the driving idea in our project. we look more at what the architect intended in HIS project and his theories in general, rather than the similarities within the operations of buildings. we don’t distill meanings from the plethora of buildings we see. often, the reason architects can get famous is they do exactly that – distill their own set of rules from the information around them. Corb’s five points don’t work because he was famous, he was famous because his five points worked (or at least, they worked for what his clients wanted). sure, the rules these people set are dramatic and distinctive, but there’s no reason you can’t have your own simple rules that you form over time. that’s what personal style is, really, a set of rules that work for you over time. if you never learn to fabricate rules for yourself, you’ll never be recognizable.

everyone always asks me how I can come up with all the stuff I draw on my arm. the answer is that they follow simple rules. the one I drew on tuesday had only three rules – 1.) make smooth curves that split in two 2.)the splits must only flow in one direction 3.) the ultimate terminating ends of any branch must fork one final time with a length of .25″. that was it. if you have those rules, you just start filling the space. it’s simple. I wish it were equally simple to come up with functional rules concerning my architecture, but obviously the subject is more complex. it’ll take time, but I think I can do it. sometimes there are rules embedded in your work that you don’t even realize, and it takes another person’s eyes to identify them.

this is what it comes down to with precedents, I guess. instead of diagramming public/private or showing circulation with dotted lines, we all need to be looking at HOW the building does things. strip away the style its architect worked in, take away the name, forget EVERYTHING but the building, by itself, on its own. pretend one of your classmates drew it up. look at the areas that make it do what it does, without labels, and maybe you’ll see what’s actually functioning. labels kill us, and crits are worse about it than WE are. this is the area where the uninitiated have it all over us studious little archies – they walk into a building and pretty instantly know how it feels. they may not have the vocabulary to describe it, so they may not say anything, but they know how the space feels. maybe we need to work on a “mind, no mind” kinda zen thing when analyzing, but then apply our vocabulary over our findings afterwards. I dunno. I’m going to have to think harder and longer about how to take action on this.

Personal||Frustration

I see myself continually failing to improve in areas that I care about, getting involved in endless squabbles that should be finished with one question, and falling short of every expectation. this is, of course, not always true; I definitely make some improvements, meet some expectations, and resolving some conflicts, but my successes seem so limited when compared with my desire to become good, skilled, and trustworthy. I consistently have nightmares about failing tasks and dreading the disapproval that will follow, or hurting people by accident. it’s not that I’m worthless; it’s that I’m stuck.

and even while I feel a deep pain born of disconnection, I feel a growing sense of unreality when forced to interact with most people that leads me to care less and less. it HAS to just be me, because most people seem to enjoy the conversations with just about anyone around them, but if it’s me, they all clam up. I know that I am obnoxious and a jabberjaw, but it seems like there’s something deeper at work. even when people do take the time to engage me, even when people say how much they enjoy our conversations, it seems distant, removed, and ineffective. the fog around me gets denser daily. most days the best solution appears to be withdrawing further within myself. everyone tells me it’s the wrong answer, but it seems like the one that will get the fewest people hurt in the process.

of course, there’s no real way to do that in this world. I’m pursuing architecture as a career because I desperately want to design something that will last, something tangible, durable, but what architect can stay secluded? there are virtually no jobs which allow for complete isolation. also, I don’t want to be isolated, really. yes, that’s the surface desire, but it’s born of the struggle of everyday life constantly telling me I’m no good; of COURSE I want to be alone when I feel like a pile of waste. but deeper than than being alone, I want to fix myself. I want to see you and hear you clearly, I want to come through in the clutch, I want to feel something other than disappointment with myself and others. I know that there’s a lot to live for in this world; many times I feel like I’m on the verge of a breakthrough, about to stumble into a clearing where suddenly it all makes sense and I can see the path home clearly, but it’s never true. I’m still here struggling to understand why I exist at all.

I’m not sure whether to tell you all to run away from me or to hold me tight. I’ve lost my sanity more than once, done things I’ll always regret, moments that shock me to my core looking back; few of you know about them, though apparently there are some rumors going around about me. I’ve been told some people are afraid of me and what I might do. they’re probably right to be afraid, because I don’t know if I’ll always be able to take it out on solitude. I wish I was a gentle, calm, simple man, but I just seem to complicate myself further and further. I almost want to ask for help. but I can’t yet.

blah. this is pointless.

Personal||Heart Cooks Brain

“On the way to god don’t know
My brain’s the burger and my heart’s the coal
I’m trying to get my head clear
I push things out through my mouth
I get refilled through my ears.”

-modest mouse, heart cooks brain

ah, how angsty and typical can my posts become? I’ve got this wandering soul tied to a sluggish body, afraid to go with my desires and run to what I really want. it’s a good thing, sometimes. not everything I want is going to help me or those around me…

I really want solitude. badly. I love people so much, as long as I’m not with them. I sit around and contemplate all of my friend’s good qualities, their amazing gifts and graces that they offer the world each and every day, and it really fills me with peace. yet, half an hour into any visit, though I’m still smiling, laughing, and on the surface, having a good time, the deeper core of me is out of energy, frayed, and irritable. I want to walk through abandoned cities, musing about the world where people speak to each other so familiarly and move with such fluidity. I really shouldn’t be part of that. I really should be in a world of my own, watching, loving your bright world of friendships.

I just want you all to know that I wish you all the best. I know I yell a lot, I know I’m rowdy, but really, I’m such a softy. I just want everything to turn out ok, warm and fuzzies all around. you’re great people, you lot. hell, I dunno who’s reading this, but there aren’t many people out there who don’t have a lot to give. I hope you can see past my ugly negativity and know I love you all.

I hope I can find some productive aspect of my life where solitude is a requirement, and that I can overcome the world-weariness that afflicts me so heavily. God knows it’s not going to make anyone’s life better. Lord God of all creation, grant me clarity and steadfastness in the face of selfishness and petty hate. amen.

Lifestyles & Personal||Honesty, Love, and Pain

there are times in life where you see something happening to someone you care for, someone who you feel close to. hell, they don’t have to be close to you, it’s disturbing no matter who you see it happen to. I’m talking about seeing a negative change come over a person, a downwards personal metamorphosis. most often, because we humans like to feel as though we have a concrete identity, the person undergoing this change doesn’t notice this change or, even worse, sees the change but refuses to acknowledge it. this can cause a lot of pain to the person themselves, and to everyone who can perceive the problem around them.

a secondary source of pain, perhaps just as terrible in the scope of its destructive capabilities, is the rift that may form between the affected person and those who care for them. we react in different ways; some people drop the friendship altogether and become an enemy of the metamorphosed friend, some people  hide from the friend because they are scared that they will show their discomfort, some people stay near the friend and lie to them – perhaps not directly, but through their silence.  there are many more ways to react, of course. any of these can cause eventual pain for all involved.

I’m dealing with this predicament  now. probably dealing with it badly, in fact. everyone else seems to think so. my friend has let their moral set deeply slip while they retain the same public face from before their fall, and continuously insists on holding others to an extremely high standard of behavior, as they stand on a supposed moral higher ground. I think, personally, they know they’ve slipped up. I think they know there’s something wrong with the way they’ve been acting. I think they know that they need to find who they were again, to control their desires like they used to.

let me say now, I can’t judge you for where you stand when I meet you. however, I LIKE to believe that most of the people I know are working to become BETTER people throughout their lives, not worse ones, so I DO begin to judge when I see someone backsliding. the other reason I will hold an issue with someone’s life is when they lie about their behavior. to me, honesty is one of the most important virtues – the truth should not and will not (eventually) be suppressed by the efforts of the weaklings that are human beings. if you can admit your weaknesses, you can begin to change them towards who you really should be.

the second thing that I must say about my morals is that when I judge someone’s behavior, it rarely makes me angry at the person, and that I never wish ill upon someone. there is no one in this world that I want to feel pain. whenever I see someone falling or lying to themselves, all I can feel is anger towards the sinful nature that is part of us and sadness and pity for the individual. this is not because I am perfect, but because I am imperfect, and identify with the weaknesses of others. I know how much flaws can be painful, much more than the pain that comes from the path of redemption.

ah, pain. there’s the next part. why do people avoid fixing their mistakes? because it hurts. why do the folks around them keep their mouths shut, even when they see their loved ones burning? because they don’t want to hurt their friend, and they don’t want to be hurt themselves. this is understandable – VERY understandable – but just as understandable as it is, it’s wrong. if you allow someone to stay with their failing tendencies, they might see the light on their own… but it’s unlikely. when the self-deluded are left to their own devices they tend to only change their ways once they’ve hit some terrible moment where they see that this can’t continue without something worse happening (that or they think things can’t get worse). most of us don’t want to see ourselves fall that low, but when you have a flaw that’s starting to take over your life, it’s hard to see past your own justifications. I know I do this myself, and I’m pretty sure you do it as well. sometimes you almost wish something bad will happen that will jolt your eyes open, but we can’t wait for that. sometimes all you wish is that one of your friends will step in and shake you awake, out the nightmare of untruths and deceptions that you’ve woven around yourself, that deep, insulating coat that blocks out the cold of your impending destruction and the consequences that loaf by and wink at you, mocking your insistence that everything is fine, that you can change any time you want to, that it’s just a phase, that it’s not really that bad, that people just don’t understand what you’ve been going through… the way it drags on is sickening, but we’re afraid of the pain of repentance, even though we know that it would hurt far less than the continuous pain of our own shortcomings. we know this about ourselves, we know this about our friends. this is why, in my mind, we don’t confront people.

I think I chose the wrong path to deal with my friend. I started out by avoiding them because I didn’t want them to see the pain I experience from seeing their change; I didn’t want to have to tell them the truth. I managed this for a whole semester. that all fell apart recently – they caught hold of me while I was *ahem* less than sober (and already rather distraught) and demanded I told them the truth. deception is not usually my nature, so I went with a full disclosure. I was not brief, I was not gentle, I was not kind. needless to say, because I disrupted the fabric of lies, my friend is now very angry with me. cut off ties and all that. frankly, I think I should have told them when I first saw the change start, that way there would be less to tell, less to give in a single blow; my outburst of denouncement wouldn’t have been preceded by a stretch of silence, which I’m sure did not help things in the slightest. it’s in the past now, and all I can hope is that I served as the first chink in their armor, the first seed of doubt.

to those who hide the truth from their friends and think that everyone should pretend, that everyone is fine as long as there’s no hard feelings displayed, I say this: be careful that you’re not saving the smile at the cost of the life. hiding and deception will always cause more pain than the truth. on the flip side, those of you who are able to hide things can most likely use your tact and consideration to break things to those around you more carefully and peacefully. people like me will always shake things harder than they should, because we can’t ever bring ourselves to lie about our feelings – that is, when we choose to share them.

I don’t know. I never really do. I know I love the truth, and that I wish I could share it better. I know I’m not like you think I am, that I’m not just angry and hateful. I know I am sad and negative, but that’s because I see the pain around me. someone has to. sometimes I wish I was blind to it. I guess I have to turn it over to Johnny Cash on this one.

“Well, there’s things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin’ everywhere you go,
But ’til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You’ll never see me wear a suit of white.

Ah, I’d love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything’s OK,
But I’ll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
‘Till things are brighter, I’m the Man In Black.”