On monday I attended class and a lecture, watched the film “waking life”, ate cafeteria food, and rode the train. these events reminded me of an issue I have long sought to resolve within myself. what do I seek from reality? what drives me? it is not the “happiness” that most seek for, in material goods and relationships, though I do indeed desire them to some amount. I do not pine for notoriety, success, or power, though these could play a role in the pursuit of my desires. no, what I want is autonomy – the knowledge that I am me, that (outside of the divine order) I exist through my own being, uncontrolled by the things of this world, that I am not the sum of my circumstances, that I am a real person and not merely part of a predetermined system.
of course, there is no way to know this for sure about oneself; we may very well all be controlled in our every action by some unseen force. one can only believe that one has a singular existence. we see our personal identity only in choice – the choice to do something not because one must or should, but because one desires to. want, not need. of course, I wish to choose moral options, but regardless of morality, the desire to choose and to change reality is overwhelming. this is what makes the design field so attractive to me. though your initial conditions and the goal of the project may be set in some ways, design opens up a door to become more like our maker, the creator in whose image we ourselves are fashioned. while we cannot create new matter, we can arrange systems of materials that are radically more than the sum of their parts. a piece of cloth is not simply cotton an dye. at its simplest, one rock placed on top of another isn’t just two rocks, it’s become a stack. it may even be seen as art, that elusive beast whose tracks we often mark, but rarely catch. human actions can be like that on occasion – suddenly transcending into choice, being, rather than mere reaction.
the difficulty is in seeing, feeling, and appreciating choice. how does one ensure his actions are largely free from the contamination of situational norms and borne out instead from the heart? how can you be certain that you are yourself? unfortunately, to me, sometimes it seems the answer is in isolation.remove everything you have that restricts you, good or bad. no possessions, no acquaintances – an impossible task to be sure, and a self-destructive one at that. you must then put yourself in further discomfort in order to test your fortitude. a fruitless task for someone who is always second guessing himself, for one can never be finished – there’s a nagging idea that there is still something to be removed. have I pared away enough? have I destroyed or removed enough of my surroundings that I may see what I am at my core? meanwhile, while you muse over the difference between figure and ground, you’ve removed the very situations where you would come to life, the places where you would truly make sense – you’re a curtain floating in outer space. your unique person-hood cannot be enacted, fulfilled, useful, realized. perfect, absolute individuality comes at the cost of functionality, for we are social beings whose one purpose comes in interaction. the hermit only exists in relation to the society which he departs from. without the rest of your species, you are a monster, a one-of-a-kind freak, the last of your kind, and soon to disappear. man exists in relation to mankind, a reference point against which he can be measured. in essence, the point here that while isolation aids in definition, that definition can only make sense in the context of other words.
context can be so difficult for those who seek self-definition. if identity can be found in unprompted choice, then a set of situations paradoxically removes choice just as it grants it. if a person wants you in their life, you are given the choice to share with them or not – but this choice only exists because they grant it to you. pursuing someone who does not have feelings for you is more of a purely made choice, but in the end your success rest on their acceptance, so your “choice” rests on their whims. this is unacceptable to the “isolated” man, but when an individual realizes that there is a symbiotic system when it comes to interpersonal relationships of any kind. just as others have a level of control over which choices you can make, you have a similar level of control over theirs. how smoothly could a partnered dance flow if each of the participants were forced to secretly choose their actions separately before the dance began, and were not allowed to adjust their paths to the other’s actions once it did? whether the dancers would crash into one another or drift apart, the dance would see no great measure of success. the tactical nature of interaction cannot be anything but a matrix of choices, dependent on the successive actions of each party, the flow of decisions; it is up to each actor how unorthodox the decisions made will be, and thus, how unorthodox the conditions will be for their partner’s next response. everyone is free to search for the unexpected, the fresh, the unique among the available options – one can even seek to forge new, unforeseen options at each turn within the framework of interaction.
however, people usually don’t look for the unorthodox options (and thus, creative and unique experiences), which may result in a perception of immutable fate due to our identity sequencing. the simplest way humans can understand anything is via comparisons, usually on a one-to-one basis. thus, when trying to understand one’s position, we usually see ME, MYSELF in one column and THEM, THE WORLD in the second. this is great as a time-saving simplifier for the brain, but it can create inaccurate understandings of the current condition. if you compare your level of importance to any other individual, assuming they’re not in a position of great power, your comparative levels of power over another’s choices is usually within an order of magnitude. but, you are one person, and when we compare the power of the individual to the power of the rest of humanity as a group, they are clearly more powerful. you may feel oppressed, powerless, in the grasp of others. it’s easy to forget that others are just as controlled by society as you are, you are rarely getting the short end of the stick as much as you think you are. of course, this is not to say that society doesn’t, as a mass, control the each of us to a high degree. this can foster a feeling of being sapped of one’s vitality, and I often feel like there’s no way to resist the crushing weight of the collective, like there’s no point in trying to maintain existence. the only reactions to this feeling that I can come up with are
1:) accept that you are powerless, and just go with your fate, bad option, but probably harmless on the whole. lame.
2.) accept that you are powerless, and end it all, since it doesn’t matter anyway. bad option.
3.) recognize that you are part of the matrix of control, and act as you see would be appropriate for your station in life. acceptable, but still lame.
4.) recognize that you are part of the matrix of control, and seek to gain as much freedom in your actions as possible, and pass that freedom over to others by trying to let them make their own choices, encouraging them to go for the unorthodox.
I am looking to expand my ability to make choices not because I want power over others, but because I want power over myself. too often it seems that I let others expectations of me govern my actions, whether they be virtuous or not. this is not to blame others for my actions, but I just feel so chained up by expectations that I can never truly feel that I have chosen myself. locked here in suburbia, even when you’re by yourself, your silence and sedentary life are enforced by the proximity of your endless field of neighbors. empty highways at night, country walks, journeys off the shore – all moments that free you from the oppressive heel of the society that grants me life, but holds me on a short leash. I can’t help but feel that there’s some way to live with the blinders removed, with the lead untied, with the harnesses cut. I’m hoping I can find some sliver of freedom here in dystopia.
so, what do you expect me to do next?